confession no. 8

i've not done great. but i've not done bad.
maybe i've not really done anything at all.
it's always excuses.
i see a pattern.
i know what i need.
1. support
2. motivation
3. a buddy
i have got to [insert will] make it to weight watchers this week.
i will be surrounded by support and motivated buddies.
perfect.

confession no. 7

this blog entry is embarrassing.
but to be held accountable, i shall confess.
i have done horrible since my last post. i have only gained and feel ridiculous. if i had to blame something other than myself, i would direct it toward my eight-months at the hospital. food was easily available, all day long...and after 3, very long twelve-hour days, i would come home and hit the couch and not really move from there. i always wonder and have asked several times....how i can be doing so good, loosing weight, getting compliments, feeling on top of the world - and it slowly comes crashing down.
with all other aspects of my life back to normal, happy, and wonderful - i have made a new commitment to loose 50 lbs this year, 30 by my anniversary in April. that's obtainable.
i did hit the gym a couple of times with one of my bf's a few weeks ago, but since, neither of us have been back.
with a definite change in life and lifestyle, i am ready to accomplish this.

confession no. 6

this isn't easy, but i have done it.
for two days in a row, i have done it.
i have succeeded.
last night, after my yummy yum Healthy Choice Meatloaf meal, i sat on the couch and watch sweet hubbs eat beef tips and rice. the smell. the meat. the carbs. i moseyed into the kitchen and weakness fell over me. i had 2 bites of meat and a spoonful of rice. this took my remaining 3 points for the day.
it was so good. i fixed a bowl and went to the living room, plopped down on the couch.
& it was then, out of the corner of my eye, i was being stared at. & it was then i heard the voice of reason, "what are you doing? what are you thinking? how are you going to ruin a perfect day?"
i began to cry. i slammed the bowl down on the table.
as ridiculous as this sounds, it was so hard to not eat that bowl of food!
i didn't want to say no! and i was mad. i wanted it.
but he took it. put it up. and after i realized how silly i was, i was so grateful that he loves me that much to
understand what i am going through and help me in my weak moments.
and i am happy to say that i did end the day, a perfect day.

Weigh-in day, today:

-6

confession no. 5

we officially broke up.
this long standing relationship, this addiction to food....it's over.
for months now, i wanted to end this abusive hold that controls me.
i wanted to go back to six-months ago, when i last walked on the treadmill,
and last wrote my entry in my food journal.
i wanted to go back and start over.
but just like a drug user, the next fix was more important.
i love the biggest looser.
this past week's show was powerful and Julian said something that
slapped me in the face,"why are you addicted to failure?"
it is what it is. i am addicted to failing, because i have failed.
and i continue to fail; twelve pounds is proof.
yesterday, was a perfect day.
i didn't fail.
i journaled everything. my points were perfect. i fought the hunger pains.
i ignored the munchie signals.
it was a good day.
it was a success. i did not fail.

confession no. 4

i hate myself, right now, in this moment.
i have done absolutely nothing since i started this blog.
nothing.
infact, i think i probably have gained weight.
honestly, i know i have.
the scales don't lie, right?
how could i be so motivated, or thought to be motivated, to gain more.
more inches. more pounds.
why do i fail.
how can i choose hunger over happiness and health?
i have gained a total of 13 pounds back, since I lost the 25 earlier this year.
i am sick. disgusted. hurt.
not today. no more.
no more will i choose food over what i know to do.
no more will it rule my life, during sadness. anger. happiness. celebration.
no more.
it stops here.
i will own this.
i will do this.
& i will suceed.
for the first time since, the above said start of this blog -
i measured my food this morning. i calculated my points.
it starts here.

confession no. 3

calories are sneaky.
yes, indeed.
like normal people, i think a salad is the healthiest lunch -
i could grab on the go.
sadly, that isn't the case and can easily consume my daily total in one meal.
i surely dont want to have to wait til tomorrow, to eat again.
you've heard this before, i know.
that was just a friendly reminder.
the first few days are so hard.
the hunger pains that consume your tummy; then your mind.
the nagging feeling that eventually breaks you down -
where you consider running and getting a snack.
all the water that you know you need to drink, looks even more
unappealing that it did yesterday.
why does this have to be so hard?

confession no. 2

i had a brilliant weekend.
a brilliant weekend made-up of all things fall:
football. homemade chili. pumpkin patch. cornmaze.
carving pumpkins. weenie roast. s'mores.
for all intensive purporses: the graham crackers used were low-fat.
today is my first official day back.
yesterday, was my last day to-eat-what-i-wanted-to, day.
& i did, but not overly.
i count calories. also,
weight watchers worked so well before;
here's to the second, and final, round.

[a better picture - maple lane farms, october 19]